...It takes a certain type of personality, I suppose.
[He edges closer again, expression softening.]
The same one, I imagine, that drives a man to take up a sword and shield. You accept that your place is to stand between those you love and the danger that would befall them. And you take heart from knowing that your efforts are the coin that buys them the gift of a chance.
I've never been one to dream, really. I'm far too much the cynic to have any great visions of a better world. But I've loved those who do, and those who stand to make it a reality by their efforts. So I do as I do because I believe in them.
Then it's different, in his case. I'm not-- he's the one who wanted to try to make the world better, he was better. I never believed all that much in the Light, but he took its tenets seriously, he always... he was twice the healer I was. If one of us was going to survive then it should have been him.
[he's still clinging to the coat wrapped around himself.]
As I recall, you asked me not so very long ago why the one to survive shouldn't be me.
[He nudges closer again; he's well into Rynlan's personal space by now.]
One of the demons asked me once what criteria I thought should go into choosing the attendees for this upcoming party we've been promised. What traits would make a deserving recipient. I told them I wouldn't choose even if I could. Because delving into notions of deciding who deserves to live and who doesn't will only lead to madness.
He didn't do it because you were more deserving than him. He wanted you to live. And whether that decision was noble or selfish or right or wrong — it was his, and he made it out of love.
[he starts to speak, but cuts himself off, frustrated. reaches out to grab the front of thancred's shirt, hand fisting into the material, but-- he doesn't push him away. he doesn't make any more contact, either, just... holds there.]
...you'd hate being a healer, you know. [a little quieter.] Both of us knew-- we had to learn, early on, what it meant to save as many people as you could. Triage. Managing resources. Losing some to save others. There's never... there are no miracles, in war, you never get to save everyone. We knew.
[Oh. When, Thancred can't help but wonder, was the last time he'd been held onto like this? Has he ever?]
I would make a terrible healer. With no ability to use aether? I'd be worse than useless.
[Carefully, with slow movements, he reaches one of his hands up and covers over Ryn's where it's still twisted into his shirt.]
Maybe it should have been you. He was more noble than you. Stronger than you. More of an asset than you. Any medic doing triage would have saved him at the expense of you. A just world would've valued him, and relinquished you.
[His hand tightens, just slightly.]
But none of that matters. He wanted you to live; isn't that enough?
It's a thought exercise, Thancred, suspend a little disbelief.
[he manages a half smile with that, brief as it is. honestly, roll with him here.
when thancred's hand covers his, he doesn't shy from the touch-- it seems to ease a little tension, after a moment. rynlan denies it, often turns down offered contact, but maybe he's a little starved for it. a little bit.
and as for what he says-- honestly, in a fucked up little way he's wanted to hear this for years. to not be told he's wrong. to be acknowledged in his thoughts, rational or not, and then told it didn't matter.
the breath he takes in shakes, slightly.]
It was hard. I didn't want to. If I had it in me to resent him for making me live I just might've.
Very well, I would be an unthinkably terrible healer.
[The half-smile is worth it. Sue him for gunning for a full one.]
...For what it's worth, I think you do resent him. Not for making you live, but for leaving you. It just feels wrong to be angry — it feels ungrateful. He gave his life for you; what a miserable fraction of a creature you would have to be, to resent him after that.
But you know it was cruel of him. Because you do have it in you to resent me when I suggest I might do the very same thing.
[He squeezes his hand again, gently.]
We were never down here, Ryn, and I never saw this. No one to hear or know, if you did let yourself admit it.
...sometimes it feels, [he starts off, quiet,] like he didn't think about me at all when he did it. I don't have family left. Our friends were-- mostly his at the time. He met me at my lowest and dragged me up out of it, he knows I wouldn't have made it if he weren't there, what-- why did he think I would want to live alone? Did he not realize what would happen after he was gone?
[he clings a little tighter, there, knuckles white, but he refuses to step closer.]
...How often did he chide you for thinking too much? I suspect he did.
[Another step closer; they're nearly toe to toe by now, which is more than a little comical given the discrepancy in their heights. More's the pity, really; it would be nice to gather Ryn in and tuck his head against his shoulder and hold him, but it's just not feasible for a lot of different reasons.]
Mayhap there's no making sense of it, no matter how hard you try, or how much you might want to. It's all right to miss him. If you want to just...let yourself miss him.
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[he manages that first, in disbelief, shaking his head before he finds the rest of his words.]
How can you have gone through that and still want to do it to others, Thancred, I don't understand it.
[thancred's allowed to shift closer; he doesn't back away.]
no subject
[He edges closer again, expression softening.]
The same one, I imagine, that drives a man to take up a sword and shield. You accept that your place is to stand between those you love and the danger that would befall them. And you take heart from knowing that your efforts are the coin that buys them the gift of a chance.
I've never been one to dream, really. I'm far too much the cynic to have any great visions of a better world. But I've loved those who do, and those who stand to make it a reality by their efforts. So I do as I do because I believe in them.
no subject
[he's still clinging to the coat wrapped around himself.]
no subject
[He nudges closer again; he's well into Rynlan's personal space by now.]
One of the demons asked me once what criteria I thought should go into choosing the attendees for this upcoming party we've been promised. What traits would make a deserving recipient. I told them I wouldn't choose even if I could. Because delving into notions of deciding who deserves to live and who doesn't will only lead to madness.
He didn't do it because you were more deserving than him. He wanted you to live. And whether that decision was noble or selfish or right or wrong — it was his, and he made it out of love.
no subject
[he starts to speak, but cuts himself off, frustrated. reaches out to grab the front of thancred's shirt, hand fisting into the material, but-- he doesn't push him away. he doesn't make any more contact, either, just... holds there.]
...you'd hate being a healer, you know. [a little quieter.] Both of us knew-- we had to learn, early on, what it meant to save as many people as you could. Triage. Managing resources. Losing some to save others. There's never... there are no miracles, in war, you never get to save everyone. We knew.
He was always worse at it.
no subject
I would make a terrible healer. With no ability to use aether? I'd be worse than useless.
[Carefully, with slow movements, he reaches one of his hands up and covers over Ryn's where it's still twisted into his shirt.]
Maybe it should have been you. He was more noble than you. Stronger than you. More of an asset than you. Any medic doing triage would have saved him at the expense of you. A just world would've valued him, and relinquished you.
[His hand tightens, just slightly.]
But none of that matters. He wanted you to live; isn't that enough?
no subject
[he manages a half smile with that, brief as it is. honestly, roll with him here.
when thancred's hand covers his, he doesn't shy from the touch-- it seems to ease a little tension, after a moment. rynlan denies it, often turns down offered contact, but maybe he's a little starved for it. a little bit.
and as for what he says-- honestly, in a fucked up little way he's wanted to hear this for years. to not be told he's wrong. to be acknowledged in his thoughts, rational or not, and then told it didn't matter.
the breath he takes in shakes, slightly.]
It was hard. I didn't want to. If I had it in me to resent him for making me live I just might've.
[but he didn't. he couldn't. not him.]
no subject
[The half-smile is worth it. Sue him for gunning for a full one.]
...For what it's worth, I think you do resent him. Not for making you live, but for leaving you. It just feels wrong to be angry — it feels ungrateful. He gave his life for you; what a miserable fraction of a creature you would have to be, to resent him after that.
But you know it was cruel of him. Because you do have it in you to resent me when I suggest I might do the very same thing.
[He squeezes his hand again, gently.]
We were never down here, Ryn, and I never saw this. No one to hear or know, if you did let yourself admit it.
no subject
[he clings a little tighter, there, knuckles white, but he refuses to step closer.]
Here I am, dead before 150 anyway.
no subject
[Another step closer; they're nearly toe to toe by now, which is more than a little comical given the discrepancy in their heights. More's the pity, really; it would be nice to gather Ryn in and tuck his head against his shoulder and hold him, but it's just not feasible for a lot of different reasons.]
Mayhap there's no making sense of it, no matter how hard you try, or how much you might want to. It's all right to miss him. If you want to just...let yourself miss him.