She was holding her gut wound shut. Moved her hand to hold it. I aimed for it because it was a prime target for inflicting the most damage, and I don't miss.
[And it kills him all over again to say it; the only way he can seem to manage it is like this, flat and methodical and factual. But his eyes squeeze tightly shut as he does, stinging hot, and after a second he has to open them again from the twisting apprehension in his gut of not wanting to be engulfed in the darkness behind his eyes when he says these things, either.]
I'd lost my other dagger to Ryne earlier. If I'd had it, my next throw would've killed her.
[he just-- leans in to rest their foreheads together, eyes closed, after thancred shuts his. he doesn't have to look. (and maybe it's just as much for rynlan's benefit, not having to see the look that goes along with that flat and methodical affect.)]
The rules weren't explained in advance. For all she knew she was just —
[It's so strange to talk through this, that feeling of not quite being in his own body settling in again, like he's looking down at himself and hearing a stranger saying these words as memories of didn't he think about me at all, what it would do to me and all he thought about in that moment was that you would live press in at the sides of his vision.]
I thought of it, too. As soon as I realized what was happening to us. I — if I had she'd still have her hand but I tried to find another way.
[It's Ryn's turn, now, to hear what he's not saying but that's so evidently placed there for him: I hesitated because I knew you wouldn't want me to.]
[asking him to live. to not do what gideon did. he knows thancred would have, and he knows that it means instead, he had to watch someone he cares about do the exact same thing. that someone else could have truly lost her life to spare his.
but he's a selfish person, he knows he is, and he's-- relieved it didn't happen. a part of him is quietly moved that thancred actually held off for him.]
Don't forgive me too quickly. I near let her take my head off, despite it.
[He motions vaguely to the side of his face that's cut up — and the one injury that looks different from the others, vertical down his eye instead of across his cheek like the rest.]
But no. After I was pronounced "winner", and we had summarily failed the exam, they brought her back. They just didn't see fit to mend her hand while they were at it.
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They made you-- then what you were saying about her hand, when you came back, you were...
[worried because he'd done it, more concerned for her because of what happened at his hand.
ryn's careful with him, considering all the injuries-- he rests a hand on his cheek, thumb stroking over the skin gently.]
That wasn't your fault, Thancred.
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[And it kills him all over again to say it; the only way he can seem to manage it is like this, flat and methodical and factual. But his eyes squeeze tightly shut as he does, stinging hot, and after a second he has to open them again from the twisting apprehension in his gut of not wanting to be engulfed in the darkness behind his eyes when he says these things, either.]
I'd lost my other dagger to Ryne earlier. If I'd had it, my next throw would've killed her.
no subject
[he just-- leans in to rest their foreheads together, eyes closed, after thancred shuts his. he doesn't have to look. (and maybe it's just as much for rynlan's benefit, not having to see the look that goes along with that flat and methodical affect.)]
You're both here.
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[Soft as it is, not needing to be much louder than a whisper with Ryn's sensitive ears so close, it still cracks regardless.]
In front of me. Wrested back control just long enough to dive on her blade rather than swing it at me.
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[little more than a whisper, himself, full of worry at the way his voice cracks. at the thought of what happened.
silently, a small part of him is relieved thancred didn't have to be the one to do it, but he shoves it aside.]
...it was a way out of what it was forcing you to do, then.
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[It's so strange to talk through this, that feeling of not quite being in his own body settling in again, like he's looking down at himself and hearing a stranger saying these words as memories of didn't he think about me at all, what it would do to me and all he thought about in that moment was that you would live press in at the sides of his vision.]
I thought of it, too. As soon as I realized what was happening to us. I — if I had she'd still have her hand but I tried to find another way.
[It's Ryn's turn, now, to hear what he's not saying but that's so evidently placed there for him: I hesitated because I knew you wouldn't want me to.]
no subject
[asking him to live. to not do what gideon did. he knows thancred would have, and he knows that it means instead, he had to watch someone he cares about do the exact same thing. that someone else could have truly lost her life to spare his.
but he's a selfish person, he knows he is, and he's-- relieved it didn't happen. a part of him is quietly moved that thancred actually held off for him.]
no subject
[He motions vaguely to the side of his face that's cut up — and the one injury that looks different from the others, vertical down his eye instead of across his cheek like the rest.]
But no. After I was pronounced "winner", and we had summarily failed the exam, they brought her back. They just didn't see fit to mend her hand while they were at it.
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[mildly; it's a little teasing, as much as he can muster up right now.]
...they didn't see fit to med you either, save some concern for yourself.
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[smash cut to the 9000 times in our cyoa channel that we were reminded YOU CAN USE MAGIC TO HEAL YOURSELVES and then we didn't
Anyway, he swallows hard.]
I'd hoped I'd not have to relive...that. Again. Having my body taken from me.