...I know. Just- trust me to do what I can to live. Leverage what I have. If it comes to it... I don't want to kill you, I don't, but I promise I'll try not to leave you to live with it.
[It's a soothing noise, not a hushing one. Gods, if only there were a way to hold Ryn tight enough that the subconscious fears hanging over them could be forced to recede, even just a little distance — but there isn't.]
[if only there were, honestly. he'd do it in a heartbeat.
he's silent for a few moments.]
I've told you a bit about the Void. About the whispers. If you delve too deep, the things that you find there-- it's not about resisting, anymore. It isn't possible to.
I was... overconfident. I pushed too far, trying to draw more power from it, and what I touched was... [his ears flick, hard, as he shakes his head.] I got the power I was looking for, but it was too much. I wasn't myself when it killed me, I don't know if anyone tried to stop it, or if I lashed out at them, all I heard was-- it was only the voices.
Why is it only here, then, that such things are suppressed? We call it being "dead" when someone leaves here and goes there, but those were words given to us, weren't they? We didn't come up with them ourselves. And it's nonsensical to think that one might be dead only to become more dead.
[He hums.]
If our powers were a threat to whatever is keeping us in this position, we'd lack them on every level. It can't be a question of security; why should one plane be any more or less vulnerable than another? So why keep them from us here and only here?
That's always felt off to me, yes-- calling it dying when we're already dead. I mean, not many better words for it, but...
[still weird.]
I've been assuming something along the lines of-- I don't know, that they're already out of consideration so it doesn't matter. One of them said there are other people and demons there that just ignore them all, that they assumed it's the hell we go to after this if we don't make it out.
Consideration for a game we didn't ask to play, but were tossed into regardless.
[Idly, he pets Ryn's tentacles.]
But then why cheat? If it were one person given advantage over all the others from the start, why bother with the whole of the game to begin with? Just choose a favorite, afford them the favor, and hang the rest of us. And if it's not one of us that's behind the malevolent influence, then who benefits from introducing it at all?
The game, as we understand it, is to be invited to a party in so many weeks, correct? To distinguish ourselves in some way and earn a seat at the figurative table. It makes sense, then, to balance the playing field by eliminating undue advantages. Leveling everyone out, as it were.
[He chews his lip, thoughtful.]
Why, then, would the power to control someone else to murder be exempt? Someone would have to authorize its inclusion as a part of the game, where other capabilities were suppressed. Wouldn't they?
I wonder if it's something that came from one of the places we've been taken, like your bell, or-- I have a book, from mine. Lets me speak to animals briefly, haven't used it. But to get something that could do that... it'd have to be something no one alive knew about, or surely they'd say something.
That's right. It had to come from somewhere — and moreover, to be exempted from the rules that stripped us of our powers, then to some degree it must've been authorized.
But we were already at Barnes's twenty-count, this week. As far as we know, we all should be eligible for those seats at the table. Why bother to do it now? If it were about winning the contest, why not wait until we were all through the doors and then compel us to fail, leaving the puppetmaster the obvious winner?
[He shakes his head.]
One almost wonders if there weren't some sort of deal struck above and beyond just the so-called game. "Make it an interesting spectacle, and be rewarded for your efforts".
One of the messages from Lavi this week mentioned Satan said something about-- making this all exciting. So. Might not be far off. But apparently there are things they just can't say in their messages, some of us have had them come through wrong, or it'd be a lot easier to just ask them exactly what they mean...
...if I'm being honest, pillow talk's a little harder on a night like this. I keep thinking about it all. I thought the size of the costume was strange, but I still didn't...
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[There's something twinging in his voice that suggests he's not really saying that for Ryn's benefit at all, but for himself.]
...Gods. I thought that nightmare was behind me.
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[after a few moments-]
If it were me-- would you do the same?
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Yes.
[He shifts his hand, running the pad of his thumb along Ryn's cheek.]
I wouldn't leave you to wake up to the horror of what you'd done.
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[he tilts his head into the touch, there. that's- it's the answer he wants, as much as he wants to live.]
I- lost myself, when I died. Still don't remember all of it-- maybe people died, maybe they didn't, but I don't...
Don't let me wake up and know it happened.
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[It's a soothing noise, not a hushing one. Gods, if only there were a way to hold Ryn tight enough that the subconscious fears hanging over them could be forced to recede, even just a little distance — but there isn't.]
Tell me what you do remember...?
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he's silent for a few moments.]
I've told you a bit about the Void. About the whispers. If you delve too deep, the things that you find there-- it's not about resisting, anymore. It isn't possible to.
I was... overconfident. I pushed too far, trying to draw more power from it, and what I touched was... [his ears flick, hard, as he shakes his head.] I got the power I was looking for, but it was too much. I wasn't myself when it killed me, I don't know if anyone tried to stop it, or if I lashed out at them, all I heard was-- it was only the voices.
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[Sounds awfully familiar, in the worst possible way.]
Do you still hear them now?
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I don't know what would happen if I could, but they've said-- they have their capabilities back, after dying.
[so-- maybe some of his fears about dying make a different kind of sense, now.]
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[Well, that's. Hm.]
...I wonder.
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[He hums.]
If our powers were a threat to whatever is keeping us in this position, we'd lack them on every level. It can't be a question of security; why should one plane be any more or less vulnerable than another? So why keep them from us here and only here?
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[still weird.]
I've been assuming something along the lines of-- I don't know, that they're already out of consideration so it doesn't matter. One of them said there are other people and demons there that just ignore them all, that they assumed it's the hell we go to after this if we don't make it out.
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[Idly, he pets Ryn's tentacles.]
But then why cheat? If it were one person given advantage over all the others from the start, why bother with the whole of the game to begin with? Just choose a favorite, afford them the favor, and hang the rest of us. And if it's not one of us that's behind the malevolent influence, then who benefits from introducing it at all?
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[the tentacles wind easily around his wrist and fingers, affectionate.]
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[He chews his lip, thoughtful.]
Why, then, would the power to control someone else to murder be exempt? Someone would have to authorize its inclusion as a part of the game, where other capabilities were suppressed. Wouldn't they?
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I wonder if it's something that came from one of the places we've been taken, like your bell, or-- I have a book, from mine. Lets me speak to animals briefly, haven't used it. But to get something that could do that... it'd have to be something no one alive knew about, or surely they'd say something.
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But we were already at Barnes's twenty-count, this week. As far as we know, we all should be eligible for those seats at the table. Why bother to do it now? If it were about winning the contest, why not wait until we were all through the doors and then compel us to fail, leaving the puppetmaster the obvious winner?
[He shakes his head.]
One almost wonders if there weren't some sort of deal struck above and beyond just the so-called game. "Make it an interesting spectacle, and be rewarded for your efforts".
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[His mouth flattens into a thin line, but then after a minute, he sighs.]
...Not quite pillow talk, though, is it?
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[...he exhales a heavy sigh.]
They were being distracting, but. Even so.
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[And the question always remains: who benefits?]
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...she was doing exactly what I'd have done. If it were me, and if you were trying to take the vote.
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