And yet when I turn up in cat ears it's "cute" and "wear them all the time, Thancred".
[Honestly he really would rather be carrying Ryn, but he's not that healed from his CYOA injuries yet and knows better than to do something masochistic. So he's just helping him along as best he can, fussing out of his own simmering, barely-suppressed concerns about the strange disoriented behavior Ryn had been exhibiting back up on the mountain.]
...You're not injured, after all that? You'll let me check?
I full intend to have an explanation out of you, just so that you know. For all of it.
[When they get to the onsen, he secures the door the same way he usually does and then takes them through to the hotsprings itself, hesitating near the edge.]
[The coat, at least, he takes and hangs so it'll stand a chance of properly drying; the rest of Ryn's attire, he's less careful about, and just kind of peels it off him piece by piece and casts it aside with one cold, wet plop after another.
The more items of clothing he removes, the more he averts his gaze — just a little, just respectfully.]
Do you want me to join you while you warm up? I can keep watch otherwise.
[Several weeks ago, this remark might've been mistaken for the seemingly serious offer it appears to be. By now, Ryn likely knows Thancred well enough to guess what he's really looking for: acknowledgement of his respect for a boundary once set, and a quiet plea to be told what to do about it.]
[he sees that for what it is, and-- he wouldn't have made that promise if he were that uncomfortable with thancred. he's proven himself trustworthy, when it comes to these things.]
[He leans up and in, drawing Ryn down far enough to kiss his forehead before nudging him toward the edge of the springs, and offers his arm to help him down and into it. Once he's settled, he can make quick* work of his own clothes and join him.
*quick is a relative term when you're seven days off being blown up and stabbed and CYOA'd to within an ilm of your life.]
[he lets himself be eased in, exhaling a soft sigh of contentment at the warmth of the springs. it's exactly what he needs, after everything, quickly attaching right back to thancred's side once he slips into the water too.]
Good, is it? I'm glad. This should get you warmed up in a hurry.
[The water sloshes softly as he draws Ryn against him, reaching over through the water to drag his fingertips along his skin. There's no particular reason for it; just an irrepressible desire to make a little more contact however he can.]
[he leans into the contact easily, accepting it. it's grounding-- real.
eventually he says, quietly-]
It was-- so hard to tell what was real, there. I saw you die-- it wasn't you, I knew that later, but I thought that it was you. You bled out, while I held you.
And knowing it wasn't true doesn't remove the memory.
[Like you didn't fight at all. Let yourself be killed. Died — bled out while I held you. It's concerning in the extreme to consider how all of these things are so...targeted precisely to what he knows are Ryn's worst nightmares. How eerie it is that these sorts of misadventures always seem to know where to strike to hurt and traumatize the most.]
Here. Give me your hand.
[He reaches for it, displacing the water of the onsen in ripples and waves as he guides Ryn's hand back to his own chest. Lets him feel, in return.]
[it's something that's going to come back in his dreams. that other thancred, blank and distant with a sword wound through him, nothing he can do to stop it. to fix it. blood, everywhere, coming and drowning him after.
but-- he lets his hand be guided. lets it rest on thancred's chest, shifts it over his heart (tries not to think about what he knows about how he died this last time, the real one. he tries not to study the beat too closely and to just let himself feel it.)]
[Which is why he gives it a little while, before he presses again. Kinder to let Ryn have a few moments of relief before asking him to wade into the memories again.]
It sounds as though it toyed with your perceptions. Affected your mind. You were saying things, back on the mountain...do you remember them? Or is it a blur?
[he'd love to forget them! it would be great if it worked that way and he stopped remembering them just like he stops remembering reality!!]
There was-- the first false reality I knew, where you died. A second, where I couldn't really remember everything that happened in the first, and I was trying to find you there again. Then after that, it was... stranger ones. Ridiculous ones where I forgot everything I knew about this place and myself.
...Loath as I am to have been used in such a manner — or some phantom of me, at least —
[He bites the thought off, unsure of whether he really wants to finish it. There's no blue and yellow drink here to loosen his tongue, and yet after a while candor wins out anyway.]
Whatever the circumstance, 'tis hard to fully regret such evidence of my importance to you.
I know why they used Ryne against me. There's one way the sight of her could hurt me that the sight of you couldn't, and it's naught to do with importance.
...Not in so many words. But I did tell you about our journey to the end of the universe, and the alternative plan that wouldn't have saved...everyone.
[He hesitates a bit.]
She's family. Or the closest thing I've left to it, at least. She's a child, only some fifteen summers — I suppose I'm something of a father to her. A protector, certainly. But her home is on one of the shards, across the rift, and as it presently stands the rift can't be traversed. 'Twas likely I'd never have seen her again even if my untimely demise hadn't intervened, and when the end of days came, she...she wasn't included in the plan for salvation. How could they, with no way to reach her?
[He shakes his head slightly.]
My personal tormentors used her because to have seen her here at all would have to mean she was dead. That she died and I wasn't there. That she died and someone thought she belonged here. That's why.
-you were separated from her before you even died, then. No way to check in on her to ensure she's all right.
[or to see her grow, when he clearly considers her to be his family, calls himself a father to her. that's-- he can't imagine something like that, having to give it up.]
Mmhmm. That we were taken there at all is a...complicated tale. But I spent five years there, and that our fates turned out to be intertwined during that time was no coincidence. But I and my comrades were not of that shard, and the manner in which we were taken there had rendered us...incomplete. It would have torn our souls asunder to have remained for much longer.
[He shrugs slightly.]
Bixing saw a memory of her, those few sennights ago. Not one I'm proud of by any means, and certainly not one I would've cared for anyone to witness, but — I couldn't even bring myself to be angry about it. I was too caught up just with seeing her face again.
...once you get out of here- [because it has to be that, now, he's gone and gotten attached, he won't think about them failing,] -there has to be some way to send you there again. Complete, this time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Honestly he really would rather be carrying Ryn, but he's not that healed from his CYOA injuries yet and knows better than to do something masochistic. So he's just helping him along as best he can, fussing out of his own simmering, barely-suppressed concerns about the strange disoriented behavior Ryn had been exhibiting back up on the mountain.]
...You're not injured, after all that? You'll let me check?
no subject
[wear the cat ears fuckboy.
he's quiet a moment at the question, but:]
I wasn't injured. You can check, but I promise I'm not any more hurt than I was when I left.
no subject
[When they get to the onsen, he secures the door the same way he usually does and then takes them through to the hotsprings itself, hesitating near the edge.]
...Let me get you out of those things, then.
no subject
[he shrugs off thancred's coat-- his damp clothes are still clinging to him, he'll definitely need a hand getting undressed.
ryn did promise him this, but also, he desperately wants the warmth of the springs.]
no subject
The more items of clothing he removes, the more he averts his gaze — just a little, just respectfully.]
Do you want me to join you while you warm up? I can keep watch otherwise.
[Several weeks ago, this remark might've been mistaken for the seemingly serious offer it appears to be. By now, Ryn likely knows Thancred well enough to guess what he's really looking for: acknowledgement of his respect for a boundary once set, and a quiet plea to be told what to do about it.]
no subject
[he sees that for what it is, and-- he wouldn't have made that promise if he were that uncomfortable with thancred. he's proven himself trustworthy, when it comes to these things.]
no subject
[He leans up and in, drawing Ryn down far enough to kiss his forehead before nudging him toward the edge of the springs, and offers his arm to help him down and into it. Once he's settled, he can make quick* work of his own clothes and join him.
*quick is a relative term when you're seven days off being blown up and stabbed and CYOA'd to within an ilm of your life.]
no subject
no subject
[The water sloshes softly as he draws Ryn against him, reaching over through the water to drag his fingertips along his skin. There's no particular reason for it; just an irrepressible desire to make a little more contact however he can.]
no subject
[he leans into the contact easily, accepting it. it's grounding-- real.
eventually he says, quietly-]
It was-- so hard to tell what was real, there. I saw you die-- it wasn't you, I knew that later, but I thought that it was you. You bled out, while I held you.
no subject
[It's soft, hissed through gritted teeth, and he can't help but turn his gaze away for just a moment in a beat of frustration and shame.]
They used me against you. Me. Like — the same way they used Ryne, when I was taken.
[Dammit.]
no subject
It looked like you didn't fight at all. Like you just let yourself be killed.
no subject
[Like you didn't fight at all. Let yourself be killed. Died — bled out while I held you. It's concerning in the extreme to consider how all of these things are so...targeted precisely to what he knows are Ryn's worst nightmares. How eerie it is that these sorts of misadventures always seem to know where to strike to hurt and traumatize the most.]
Here. Give me your hand.
[He reaches for it, displacing the water of the onsen in ripples and waves as he guides Ryn's hand back to his own chest. Lets him feel, in return.]
No illusions. See? I'm all right.
no subject
[it's something that's going to come back in his dreams. that other thancred, blank and distant with a sword wound through him, nothing he can do to stop it. to fix it. blood, everywhere, coming and drowning him after.
but-- he lets his hand be guided. lets it rest on thancred's chest, shifts it over his heart (tries not to think about what he knows about how he died this last time, the real one. he tries not to study the beat too closely and to just let himself feel it.)]
...you're all right. We both are. I know.
no subject
[Which is why he gives it a little while, before he presses again. Kinder to let Ryn have a few moments of relief before asking him to wade into the memories again.]
It sounds as though it toyed with your perceptions. Affected your mind. You were saying things, back on the mountain...do you remember them? Or is it a blur?
no subject
[he'd love to forget them! it would be great if it worked that way and he stopped remembering them just like he stops remembering reality!!]
There was-- the first false reality I knew, where you died. A second, where I couldn't really remember everything that happened in the first, and I was trying to find you there again. Then after that, it was... stranger ones. Ridiculous ones where I forgot everything I knew about this place and myself.
no subject
[He bites the thought off, unsure of whether he really wants to finish it. There's no blue and yellow drink here to loosen his tongue, and yet after a while candor wins out anyway.]
Whatever the circumstance, 'tis hard to fully regret such evidence of my importance to you.
no subject
[he grumbles, but he doesn't pull away. his presence is too reassuring.]
Careful of talking like that, before I start pointing out you didn't see me.
[but, well, okay, he's thinking it now.]
no subject
[Drowned in a WHAT NOW.]
I know why they used Ryne against me. There's one way the sight of her could hurt me that the sight of you couldn't, and it's naught to do with importance.
no subject
[is what he eventually says, setting aside about five different possible kneejerk responses to say this instead.]
no subject
[He hesitates a bit.]
She's family. Or the closest thing I've left to it, at least. She's a child, only some fifteen summers — I suppose I'm something of a father to her. A protector, certainly. But her home is on one of the shards, across the rift, and as it presently stands the rift can't be traversed. 'Twas likely I'd never have seen her again even if my untimely demise hadn't intervened, and when the end of days came, she...she wasn't included in the plan for salvation. How could they, with no way to reach her?
[He shakes his head slightly.]
My personal tormentors used her because to have seen her here at all would have to mean she was dead. That she died and I wasn't there. That she died and someone thought she belonged here. That's why.
no subject
[or to see her grow, when he clearly considers her to be his family, calls himself a father to her. that's-- he can't imagine something like that, having to give it up.]
Were you forced to leave that shard...?
no subject
[He shrugs slightly.]
Bixing saw a memory of her, those few sennights ago. Not one I'm proud of by any means, and certainly not one I would've cared for anyone to witness, but — I couldn't even bring myself to be angry about it. I was too caught up just with seeing her face again.
no subject
no subject
[He glances away, eyes closing briefly.]
I want her to meet you. For you to know her.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)