[Oh, he thinks to himself, as though he knows what's going on here. Oh, you've tread too close to implying commitment, and after the phantoms that plagued him while he was gone and his existing deep-seated traumas about Aren, it's all just too much. Implications of attachment are too much. Better to walk them back.]
I didn't mean it as an imposition. Just that — a mere expression of your importance. I would want the two of you to know one another because I care deeply for the both of you. You needn't take it for a...a demand of any sort.
[he pauses to consider, brows furrowed in thought, ears flicking.]
...I've just realized we've been teaching and learning our languages for days now, and spoken of what might happen after we escape this place, but we've never once asked what we even are to each other.
[...he's a little speechless at first, at that. for him to not offer any of the answers ryn might have expected, to call him my heart in his own language while he's at it--
just the man who made him believe he didn't have to be alone. that's all he says he wants, not to be his partner, not to be anything to him that has its own name.]
[I think you already are, Ryn murmurs, and he finds himself thinking of weeks and conversations past, of how they've gone from comfort offered in the form of I won't look at you if you don't want me to to cuddled tight together in the restorative waters of the onsen, bare as their namedays. From I don't want sweet nothings from anyone to unthinking pet names to deliberate endearments that aren't pushed away. From dreading the remains of a too-long and too-lonely existence to daring to consider a "what comes after".
It would be enough, he'd just offered a moment before, and for a moment beyond that, he thinks, ...wouldn't it?
Slowly, he turns his head a fraction, angling it to show off the silver ring pierced through the left lobe. It's less sore now than it was when they'd done it, but still fresh enough that he sometimes finds the new weight of it in his ear unusual.]
For days, I've been thinking of this as your claim on me. Was I wrong...?
...not exactly wrong. Suppose it is, in a way, but I...
[he's quiet for a few moments, deciding how he wants to put this.]
I wanted you to have something of mine. Something of me, in case. That was what it was.
['in case' of what, exactly, he doesn't specify, but-- there are multiple answers. in case he dies. in case they're separated another way. in case they can't see each other again, whatever happens.
it's a reminder, for any of those situations, that this happened at all. that they were here, he was here, so he won't be forgotten. and there's some possessiveness in it too, there is truth to that, but it on its own wasn't the motivating factor.]
[Like a ring on a chain, he thinks with quiet solemnity, and isn't sure what he thinks of that notion to begin with. Certainly it's one of the things that's kept him from returning the gesture for Rynlan, himself: the lingering question of whether it would hurt too much, bring up too many painful associations with Aren when there are already too many as it is.]
[it's the most honest answer he can really give, as much as it isn't a full answer at all. ]
I want you to be here, I suppose. [is where he starts, slightly hesitant, piecing the words together as he goes.] And if we could manage it, I'd like you to be here after, but I don't know what to do with things like-- you saying you don't know if you'd want to live longer than is natural for you, or the idea of being in your home without you there.
[He begins, equally slowly, as he shifts the angle he's sitting at and brings his hands up to hold Ryn's face on either side, droplets of water cascading off his hands and in trails back down his wrists as he pulls them free of the onsen's surface.]
I shy away from making promises to you if I'm unsure I can keep them, because a broken promise would hurt you more than any relief you took from my making it. And sometimes I worry that what you want is...
[He goes quiet; ultimately, he proves unwilling to finish that sentence at all.]
Let me ask this instead, then. Do you like the feelings you have for me? Does it please you to have them, do I...does feeling what you feel for me make you happy?
[he lets himself lean into the touch, a bit-- it's a point of focus, of grounding, something he still needs after everything he's gone through today.]
...you do.
[rynlan doesn't really think of it in terms of his own feelings making him happy, or pleasing him. that one's a little harder to pick apart. but thancred-- thancred does. his presence, the easy affection he offers, the patience and care with which he handles ryn until he's ready for something.]
What is it you're worried about-- that what I'd want would be more than you're willing to give?
[It's not a nuance he misses, either — that the answer should've been they do, and in fact what he was offered was, you do.]
'Tis not that I'm unwilling, always. But...
[He closes his eyes.]
I worry sometimes that what you want is an elf from your own star. That wanting my life extended is — that I would be a sufficient replacement for someone else, if only some few small adaptations could be made. That — 'tis not really about more time with me. I fear sometimes I never know how much of your feelings are really about me or if...if I just fill a void well.
[he looks-- surprised to hear that, actually, ears twitching, eyes a little wide. he wouldn't have guessed thancred ever worried about being a replacement, or just-- filling a void at his side.
reassurances can be an empty thing, he knows, so he opts for something else instead, reaching up to touch the ring on its chain around his neck. he never takes it off, even now.]
...it would do him a disservice, if that were all this was about. I don't-- I would never want to replace him.
I loved him. I still do. He knew me when I was at my worst, and he stayed, he still wanted to stay despite that. Saved my life in more ways than just giving up his own. There isn't anyone in my world or any other who could replace what he was to me.
[He's quiet for what feels like a long time, but maybe isn't very long at all. Long enough to think twice about what's sitting on the tip of his tongue. Long enough to know better. Long enough to talk himself out of voicing it.]
[the thing is, this should be a much easier question to answer than it is.
it's been... what, two months? slightly less than? his species lives for centuries. this period of time, it should be nothing to him, but- he lived among humans, when he was younger. when he was in training. he's been around shorter-lived species for most of his life, and as much as he claims this is nothing, he's adjusted on some level to the speed at which they live their lives. (he'd fallen for aren so quickly, hadn't he? but then-- so had aren.)
it should be a simple, easy 'no'. he should find the thought of loving someone under these circumstances laughable.
the trouble is: he doesn't. whether he admits it or not, he's a romantic at heart, and thancred has proven himself capable of sweeping him off his feet both metaphorically and otherwise.]
[And to his own surprise, he finds himself — smiling. Not the playboy's rakish grin, but the expression that had Rynlan unthinkingly comparing him to the sun just days before.]
Because I knew, even when I asked, that you would need me to go first — and that I would. Because when you're hurt I want to be at your side and when you cry I want you in my arms and when you laugh I want to be laughing with you. Because I asked you once to remind me of the reasons I should want to live instead of leaping between others and certain death, and you did, and you do, and I do want to live because every day I do is another day of time spent with you. Because I relish the marks of your teeth in my neck and miss them each time they fade. Because you ask for my clothes and I can never refuse you even if it means I wind up with nothing to wear in the slightest. Because I think your cat has half-adopted me by now and I'm half ready to return the favor in turn. Because you told me I had no trouble convincing you to fall into my bed when these days I spent most of my waking bells trying to work out how to make you fall into my arms instead. Because every fantasy I have of you eventually turns into one where you're simply part of my life.
[His smile softens just a touch.]
I must, because I know this feeling. Because this is how I felt watching Minfilia grow and thrive even when I wasn't allowing myself to be part of her life. How I feel whenever I think of Ryne. How I felt when I wrote that song for that girl I adore. Because I know deep down that you number among them, and quite frankly I can't imagine you anywhere else.
['i knew that you would need me to go first,' he says, smiling, and rynlan makes a face as he lightly nudges at him, a silent little oh, shut up. he doesn't want to interrupt what thancred has to say-- but as he speaks, rynlan shifts, resting his head on thancred's shoulder rather than looking at him.
if he lets thancred see his expression, he's never going to let him forget it.]
Comparing someone you love to your daughter isn't the most romantic of moves, [he murmurs, soft amusement in his tone,] but the rest of it-- sometimes I forget that you're a songwriter, and then you go and remind me you're as good with your words as your hands.
It's one of the things I like best about you, I think.
[he stays right where he is, still not letting thancred look at his face.]
...I must, too, or I wouldn't be so angry at the thought of you throwing your life away. I wouldn't want you to want to live so badly, or be so fond of hearing you say you'd rather hold me than bed me, though I certainly prefer to have both-- I wouldn't prefer the thinner coat you've been wearing over the warmer one you can summon, because only one of them has your warmth and scent to it.
If I didn't, I wouldn't need you to go first. It wouldn't matter so much what your answer was-- I wouldn't be surprised if you knew before I even answered you.
I left out "because you'll always find something to take me to task for because you're an irrepressible bastard", but that certainly comes into consideration, as well.
[But — what a great deal to unpack here, and not just to unpack but to take and turn over and consider and treasure. How far they've come from that day in the ball pit bar, when he'd been wary even of making contact at all, when falling into a kiss had seemed scandalous and unprecedented. Now look at them: Ryn, with all his fears of vulnerability, all his hangups of being exposed, bare as his nameday and cuddled up against him and welcoming every touch, of seeking it out of his own volition.
He can't help but smile, either, as the mystery of the coat is laid bare, as well. He'd wondered, but it's so much more rewarding and sentimental to hear it.]
I suspected, I confess. About the coat and your answer both. So let that be what I am to you, after all: whatever word you choose, whatever best fits the moment — anything, so long as you promise to append 'dalah to it.
honestly, though, overall-- dying has done him some favors. thrown into stark relief how easily things end, how he could very well have ceased existing and never had this again at all. how time can toy with them all too easily, and how little of it is guaranteed.
in a place like this, too, it's easy to leave things unsaid and then only be able to say them through staticky messages.]
But I'll have to amend what I gave you before, in that case. ...surfal'dalah.
-Nevermind! I take it all back, I can't stand you!
[it's not difficult at all to see how flustered that makes him, even with his face pressed against thancred's neck to hide it-- his ears flick, flushed purple at the tips, and those are visible even when his cheeks are not.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Why shouldn't I?
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[his hair tentacles wriggle. it's a certain kind of step, isn't it?]
We're not even together, exactly.
[WEEK SIX AND THEY HAVE NEVER DISCUSSED THIS]
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[Oh, he thinks to himself, as though he knows what's going on here. Oh, you've tread too close to implying commitment, and after the phantoms that plagued him while he was gone and his existing deep-seated traumas about Aren, it's all just too much. Implications of attachment are too much. Better to walk them back.]
I didn't mean it as an imposition. Just that — a mere expression of your importance. I would want the two of you to know one another because I care deeply for the both of you. You needn't take it for a...a demand of any sort.
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[he pauses to consider, brows furrowed in thought, ears flicking.]
...I've just realized we've been teaching and learning our languages for days now, and spoken of what might happen after we escape this place, but we've never once asked what we even are to each other.
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Do you know what you would have us be?
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[...he's a little speechless at first, at that. for him to not offer any of the answers ryn might have expected, to call him my heart in his own language while he's at it--
just the man who made him believe he didn't have to be alone. that's all he says he wants, not to be his partner, not to be anything to him that has its own name.]
...I think you already are.
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It would be enough, he'd just offered a moment before, and for a moment beyond that, he thinks, ...wouldn't it?
Slowly, he turns his head a fraction, angling it to show off the silver ring pierced through the left lobe. It's less sore now than it was when they'd done it, but still fresh enough that he sometimes finds the new weight of it in his ear unusual.]
For days, I've been thinking of this as your claim on me. Was I wrong...?
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[he's quiet for a few moments, deciding how he wants to put this.]
I wanted you to have something of mine. Something of me, in case. That was what it was.
['in case' of what, exactly, he doesn't specify, but-- there are multiple answers. in case he dies. in case they're separated another way. in case they can't see each other again, whatever happens.
it's a reminder, for any of those situations, that this happened at all. that they were here, he was here, so he won't be forgotten. and there's some possessiveness in it too, there is truth to that, but it on its own wasn't the motivating factor.]
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You never answered my question, you know.
[He points out, softly.]
What do you want me to be to you, Ryn?
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[it's the most honest answer he can really give, as much as it isn't a full answer at all. ]
I want you to be here, I suppose. [is where he starts, slightly hesitant, piecing the words together as he goes.] And if we could manage it, I'd like you to be here after, but I don't know what to do with things like-- you saying you don't know if you'd want to live longer than is natural for you, or the idea of being in your home without you there.
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[He begins, equally slowly, as he shifts the angle he's sitting at and brings his hands up to hold Ryn's face on either side, droplets of water cascading off his hands and in trails back down his wrists as he pulls them free of the onsen's surface.]
I shy away from making promises to you if I'm unsure I can keep them, because a broken promise would hurt you more than any relief you took from my making it. And sometimes I worry that what you want is...
[He goes quiet; ultimately, he proves unwilling to finish that sentence at all.]
Let me ask this instead, then. Do you like the feelings you have for me? Does it please you to have them, do I...does feeling what you feel for me make you happy?
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...you do.
[rynlan doesn't really think of it in terms of his own feelings making him happy, or pleasing him. that one's a little harder to pick apart. but thancred-- thancred does. his presence, the easy affection he offers, the patience and care with which he handles ryn until he's ready for something.]
What is it you're worried about-- that what I'd want would be more than you're willing to give?
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'Tis not that I'm unwilling, always. But...
[He closes his eyes.]
I worry sometimes that what you want is an elf from your own star. That wanting my life extended is — that I would be a sufficient replacement for someone else, if only some few small adaptations could be made. That — 'tis not really about more time with me. I fear sometimes I never know how much of your feelings are really about me or if...if I just fill a void well.
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[he looks-- surprised to hear that, actually, ears twitching, eyes a little wide. he wouldn't have guessed thancred ever worried about being a replacement, or just-- filling a void at his side.
reassurances can be an empty thing, he knows, so he opts for something else instead, reaching up to touch the ring on its chain around his neck. he never takes it off, even now.]
...it would do him a disservice, if that were all this was about. I don't-- I would never want to replace him.
I loved him. I still do. He knew me when I was at my worst, and he stayed, he still wanted to stay despite that. Saved my life in more ways than just giving up his own. There isn't anyone in my world or any other who could replace what he was to me.
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Do you love me?
[And then he didn't.]
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it's been... what, two months? slightly less than? his species lives for centuries. this period of time, it should be nothing to him, but- he lived among humans, when he was younger. when he was in training. he's been around shorter-lived species for most of his life, and as much as he claims this is nothing, he's adjusted on some level to the speed at which they live their lives. (he'd fallen for aren so quickly, hadn't he? but then-- so had aren.)
it should be a simple, easy 'no'. he should find the thought of loving someone under these circumstances laughable.
the trouble is: he doesn't. whether he admits it or not, he's a romantic at heart, and thancred has proven himself capable of sweeping him off his feet both metaphorically and otherwise.]
Do you?
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[And to his own surprise, he finds himself — smiling. Not the playboy's rakish grin, but the expression that had Rynlan unthinkingly comparing him to the sun just days before.]
Because I knew, even when I asked, that you would need me to go first — and that I would. Because when you're hurt I want to be at your side and when you cry I want you in my arms and when you laugh I want to be laughing with you. Because I asked you once to remind me of the reasons I should want to live instead of leaping between others and certain death, and you did, and you do, and I do want to live because every day I do is another day of time spent with you. Because I relish the marks of your teeth in my neck and miss them each time they fade. Because you ask for my clothes and I can never refuse you even if it means I wind up with nothing to wear in the slightest. Because I think your cat has half-adopted me by now and I'm half ready to return the favor in turn. Because you told me I had no trouble convincing you to fall into my bed when these days I spent most of my waking bells trying to work out how to make you fall into my arms instead. Because every fantasy I have of you eventually turns into one where you're simply part of my life.
[His smile softens just a touch.]
I must, because I know this feeling. Because this is how I felt watching Minfilia grow and thrive even when I wasn't allowing myself to be part of her life. How I feel whenever I think of Ryne. How I felt when I wrote that song for that girl I adore. Because I know deep down that you number among them, and quite frankly I can't imagine you anywhere else.
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if he lets thancred see his expression, he's never going to let him forget it.]
Comparing someone you love to your daughter isn't the most romantic of moves, [he murmurs, soft amusement in his tone,] but the rest of it-- sometimes I forget that you're a songwriter, and then you go and remind me you're as good with your words as your hands.
It's one of the things I like best about you, I think.
[he stays right where he is, still not letting thancred look at his face.]
...I must, too, or I wouldn't be so angry at the thought of you throwing your life away. I wouldn't want you to want to live so badly, or be so fond of hearing you say you'd rather hold me than bed me, though I certainly prefer to have both-- I wouldn't prefer the thinner coat you've been wearing over the warmer one you can summon, because only one of them has your warmth and scent to it.
If I didn't, I wouldn't need you to go first. It wouldn't matter so much what your answer was-- I wouldn't be surprised if you knew before I even answered you.
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[But — what a great deal to unpack here, and not just to unpack but to take and turn over and consider and treasure. How far they've come from that day in the ball pit bar, when he'd been wary even of making contact at all, when falling into a kiss had seemed scandalous and unprecedented. Now look at them: Ryn, with all his fears of vulnerability, all his hangups of being exposed, bare as his nameday and cuddled up against him and welcoming every touch, of seeking it out of his own volition.
He can't help but smile, either, as the mystery of the coat is laid bare, as well. He'd wondered, but it's so much more rewarding and sentimental to hear it.]
I suspected, I confess. About the coat and your answer both. So let that be what I am to you, after all: whatever word you choose, whatever best fits the moment — anything, so long as you promise to append 'dalah to it.
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[hehe. he sounds a little smug, about that one.
honestly, though, overall-- dying has done him some favors. thrown into stark relief how easily things end, how he could very well have ceased existing and never had this again at all. how time can toy with them all too easily, and how little of it is guaranteed.
in a place like this, too, it's easy to leave things unsaid and then only be able to say them through staticky messages.]
But I'll have to amend what I gave you before, in that case. ...surfal'dalah.
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[His tone turns teasing, in that way that suggests barely-repressed laughter, as he very nearly singsongs: ]
O'surfal'a. O'surfal'a. You've nowhere to hide, now that I know your secret: o'surfal'a.
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[it's not difficult at all to see how flustered that makes him, even with his face pressed against thancred's neck to hide it-- his ears flick, flushed purple at the tips, and those are visible even when his cheeks are not.]
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