[hahaha oh no. his ears twitch, and for a few moments he can't quite figure out what to say-- feels a little lightheaded, at the thought. they've known each other very little time, comparatively, if they weren't dead they'd have different lifespans-- he's just learned thancred died of a heart attack, of all things, entirely too young. could just die of one within another year or two even if he gets out of hell.
all he can think about is going through everything all over again. getting too close and experiencing all of that loss again. he feels, he thinks, like he's forgotten how to breathe.]
[There are two things that sort of betray Ryn's moment of panic here. One is that Thancred knows enough to expect the significance of it all to shake him to the core. The second is that they're still so close that he can hear it when he stops breathing.]
There are alchemists in Thavnair that work feats barely short of miracles, whose studies found a means of shielding against something that sounds rather similar to the way you describe your voidcall. There are scholars in Sharlayan who would give much and more for the chance to obtain the wisdom of an academic from a wholly different star. We have guilds that would induct a new member in an instant. We have ancient civilizations just waiting to be picked apart and studied. 'Tis a rich and teeming world for one of your talents.
And my condition is that I would only contrive to take you there if you wanted Eitherys for yourself. Not because I would be there. Only if you thought you could be happy there, on its own merits.
I can't believe, [he manages, once he can get his mouth to work properly,] we're not even-- I'm not anything to you and you want to try to find a way to take me to your home. By the Void, Thancred, what do you do with people you've been sleeping with for longer than a couple of weeks?
[this is the only way he can actually manage to talk about it, but his tone isn't really teasing. there's still that edge of near-panic in it, because for someone who's terrified of the thought of change, who doesn't look at his own reflection for how changed it is, the proposition is enormous. intimidating.]
Even if you don't mean it just for yourself, I-- how do you propose something like that so easily?
[as if he hardly has to think about it, as if it's not this likely-insurmountable sort of obstacle in the first place.]
Would it make you feel better or worse to hear that I'd offer it regardless of whether we'd engaged in our intimacies at all? You asked me what would happen, should this all turn out the best we can hope for. Were it up to me, I would have you someplace safe, where you could be happy.
[But he quiets, feeling as much as seeing the way Ryn's all but vibrating out of his skin with the way this topic of conversation has turned.]
What harm is there in wondering if it could be done?
[it's as scary, either way. one relies on less connection, but that doesn't necessarily make it better, easier. he's just as unsure of what to do with someone caring about him, in whichever form.]
...but I don't generally make a habit of-- wondering these things. I liked my life. I liked the way it was, before we studied the Void, before they exiled us from our home for it-- I'd just gotten used to life as it was after.
Spend enough time around Y'shtola, and the notion of tackling the impossible simply for the sake of proving it can be done becomes commonplace. I suppose I'm simply used to it.
[before they exiled us from our home for it, Ryn remarks offhandedly, and Thancred quietly files that painful revelation away for some other time.]
Then answer for me your own question, from before. How do you see it all playing out, should we both earn a second chance at life?
[surprise! he's just packed full of fun new little traumas like that.]
I suppose... I'd return to mine, and to the rest of the ren'dorei. Hope that what happened to me when I died doesn't stick and I don't just come back as a pawn of the void lords. You'd return to yours and the people you care for, either find a way to treat your ailing heart or just live whatever life you have left.
And if we could still reach each other, in some way, I imagine we might still speak, up until we didn't. Until you were gone again. I'd give it a handful of years if you don't take care of what killed you, maybe less.
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[hahaha oh no. his ears twitch, and for a few moments he can't quite figure out what to say-- feels a little lightheaded, at the thought. they've known each other very little time, comparatively, if they weren't dead they'd have different lifespans-- he's just learned thancred died of a heart attack, of all things, entirely too young. could just die of one within another year or two even if he gets out of hell.
all he can think about is going through everything all over again. getting too close and experiencing all of that loss again. he feels, he thinks, like he's forgotten how to breathe.]
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[There are two things that sort of betray Ryn's moment of panic here. One is that Thancred knows enough to expect the significance of it all to shake him to the core. The second is that they're still so close that he can hear it when he stops breathing.]
There are alchemists in Thavnair that work feats barely short of miracles, whose studies found a means of shielding against something that sounds rather similar to the way you describe your voidcall. There are scholars in Sharlayan who would give much and more for the chance to obtain the wisdom of an academic from a wholly different star. We have guilds that would induct a new member in an instant. We have ancient civilizations just waiting to be picked apart and studied. 'Tis a rich and teeming world for one of your talents.
And my condition is that I would only contrive to take you there if you wanted Eitherys for yourself. Not because I would be there. Only if you thought you could be happy there, on its own merits.
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[this is the only way he can actually manage to talk about it, but his tone isn't really teasing. there's still that edge of near-panic in it, because for someone who's terrified of the thought of change, who doesn't look at his own reflection for how changed it is, the proposition is enormous. intimidating.]
Even if you don't mean it just for yourself, I-- how do you propose something like that so easily?
[as if he hardly has to think about it, as if it's not this likely-insurmountable sort of obstacle in the first place.]
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[But he quiets, feeling as much as seeing the way Ryn's all but vibrating out of his skin with the way this topic of conversation has turned.]
What harm is there in wondering if it could be done?
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[it's as scary, either way. one relies on less connection, but that doesn't necessarily make it better, easier. he's just as unsure of what to do with someone caring about him, in whichever form.]
...but I don't generally make a habit of-- wondering these things. I liked my life. I liked the way it was, before we studied the Void, before they exiled us from our home for it-- I'd just gotten used to life as it was after.
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[before they exiled us from our home for it, Ryn remarks offhandedly, and Thancred quietly files that painful revelation away for some other time.]
Then answer for me your own question, from before. How do you see it all playing out, should we both earn a second chance at life?
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I suppose... I'd return to mine, and to the rest of the ren'dorei. Hope that what happened to me when I died doesn't stick and I don't just come back as a pawn of the void lords. You'd return to yours and the people you care for, either find a way to treat your ailing heart or just live whatever life you have left.
And if we could still reach each other, in some way, I imagine we might still speak, up until we didn't. Until you were gone again. I'd give it a handful of years if you don't take care of what killed you, maybe less.
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[He'll get back to the other stuff in a minute, but.]
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[he's not mentioning the self sacrificial tendency, even.]